Starting to come to light this issue of becoming someone else. I guess when you share many traits with someone and they are around or in your life, you make efforts to differentiate yourself. He is that, I am this.
Then when they are gone, you find yourself recognizing these common traits in yourself. You’ve seen them, pointed them out, laughed about them. You’ve avoided them, admired them but always as other. Now here they are, still here, as part of self and self alone. Were they always only mine? Did he ever really exist?
I dreamt, as we all will, that this never happened. Really, last night, I dreamt that. Got a call from him, it had been a mistake. He had not gone after all. I blurted some of the things I’d meant to say and hadn’t. Made plans to get together at once. But the dream didn’t get that far. I awoke confused for a minute, not delicious confusion, just blurry edges of what was and what is here. Tuesdays are better than Mondays.